Bandslam (Film Review)

In cinemas August 13^th 2009

Director: Todd Graff

Runtime: 111mins

In Bandslam, writer/director Todd Graff has created a world where ten high schoolers can instinctively create a hit song with ten minutes notice (one minute per member!); music nerds aren’t ostracised as know-it-all jerks; and a band can go from insipid to “interesting” with a montage.

Will Burton (Gaelan Connell) is the new kid at a New Jersey high school obsessed with an annual tri-state Battle-of-Bands competition – Bandslam. In his first week at school, Will meets Sa5m (Vanessa Hudgens), an edgy ex-stutterer and advocate of silent-numeric-inclusions-in-personal-nouns. Charlotte Banks (a clearly not 16 year-old, Aly Michalka) is the too-good-to-be-true guitar goddess who sees a certain je ne sais quoi in Will and sets about educating him in cool music – starting with the Velvet Underground & Nico. Will is soon revealed to be a closet music aficionado, whose encyclopaedic knowledge of bands and an understanding of the technical elements of composition, leads Charlotte let him manage her band. Under the expert and youthful hand of Will, the band develops its own sound and has a fighting chance in this year’s Bandslam; whilst simultaneously, an awkward romance develops between Will and Sa5m.

Intolerably running towards nearly two hours, Bandslam was so annoying that it felt like I was being smashed in the face by a seven-string guitar made of broken dreams. I have always understood that kid’s movies are meant to entertain above all else, and are allowed a certain licence to be contrived and predictable. However, I found this film more cringe inducing and suffocatingly predictable than the average effort. The namedropping in Bandslam is so excessive, it’s almost competitive: mention as many bands and pop culture references as you can in two hours and… win a puppy! For his flop, Graff has won a fricking litter of floppy eared scamps.

The acting is either wooden or over-the-top all round, with the sole exception of Hudgens who brings a charm to the uninspiring script but whose appearance in the film is far too brief. Michalka’s Charlotte has little-to-no charisma and her too cool attitude seems artificial and generally unbelievable. Connell is a boring lead man; and the fact that Will directs his attentions to a try-hard band, rather than the fine piece of ass next to him in Social Studies, does not warm me to the character at all. Rather – it had me on my feet yelling at Sa5m, “KICK HIM IN THE FACE! HE IS NOT WORTHY OF YOUR POO!”

All things said – unless you are very young; support one filmmaker’s quest for a fictional puppy; or have some sort of shameful Lisa Kudrow fixation (ol’ Phoebe makes an appearance as Will’s mother) – this film is not worthy of your poo.

1/5

Note: Not sure why I forgot to put up this review. It's amongst my favourites out of what I've written.

Furry Vengeance (Film Review)

In cinemas now [PG]
Director: Roger Kumble
Runtime: 92 mins.
Furry Vengeance, the newest offering from Cruel Intentions’ director Roger Kumble, is a confronting assault of things that will make your stomach churn and your brain bleed. Delivering eco-friendly and pro-family messages in an insincere and highly botoxed, computer-generated and all-American way. Furry Vengeance offers a steaming pile of filmic garbage – complete with gratuitous amounts of punishingly un-funny slapstick gags and numerous backwards depictions of ethnic minorities.
Brendan Fraser stars as Dan Sanders, a project developer who has shifted his family from the big city to Rocky Springs, Oregon. Dan is a mid-level executive whose demanding boss, Mr Lyman (Ken Jeong), has entrusted him with the redevelopment of the peaceful Rocky Spring forest into a new housing complex. Sensing the impending destruction of their natural habitat by the supposedly eco-friendly development company, the CGI animals of Rocky Springs retaliate. Dan soon finds himself plagued by a host of nature’s most deviant woodland creatures, intent on ushering his obese frame into total psychiatric collapse – slapstick ensues. The animals humiliate Sanders with a barrage of urine, skunk spray, port-a-loo shenanigans and incessant, nocturnal window tapping. Dan becomes so fixated upon destroying his pint-sized tormentors that he alienates himself from his long-suffering wife (Brooke Shields) and lanky teenage son (Matt Prokop). Inevitably, the film concludes with Dan recognising the error of his ways and joining forces with the animals to punish the evil Mr Lyman.
As a long-time fan of both wacky children’s films and brutal vengeance movies I was excited about the possibilities of this movie. Sadly, the ‘vengeance’ in the title is more Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, than Lady Vengeance. Not to be outdone by his CGI co-stars, Fraser debases himself in a series of repetitive, cringe-inducing scenes: his paunchy mass is seen squeezed into several different kinds of women’s clothing and bathed inexplicably in sweet chilli sauce. Fraser doesn’t lend himself well to this kind of comedy – his rubber face grimaces and groans gruesomely as he tumbles chaotically through numerous morosely unfunny scenarios. The character of Mr Lyman presents a controversial Asian stereotype, the like of which I haven’t seen since Dong from John Hughes’ Sixteen Candles – resorting to screaming high-pitched, Asian-sounding noises and kung-fu moves to display frustrations. The CGI animals were ghastly, though I am grateful they did not speak, their giggles and squeals of delight were possibly even more irritating than if they did. Even an appearance from the fabulous Wallace Shawn as the psychiatrist, delivering what is arguably the best line of the entire film, (‘Denial is not just a river in Egypt’) could not save this god-awful family flick. And just when the film could not get worse, the cast come together to do a reworking of Insane In The Membrane over the credits. If nothing else, Furry Vengeance is at least consistent – an assault of bad taste right to the final credits.
0/5
A note: I really, truly feel that this was a goddamn awful film (and I'm not entirely sure why I punish myself by taking all the inevitably awful family film reviews)... But I feel like I should mention that the embedding appropriated imagery in the animals thought bubbles, towards the end, was a nice touch. That being said, I also feel that if you have made the decision against anthropomorphic talking animals - you really need to commit. Having animals that constantly chuckle and giggle like a retarded toddler, is potentially more annoying than having one that is voiced by Pauly Shore.

9 (Film Review)

Director: Shane Acker

Runtime: 80 mins

In 2004, promising UCLA animation student Shane Acker was nominated for an Academy Award with his 11-minute short, 9. Five years later, 9 has suckled upon the giving financial teats of its producers, Tim Burton and Timur Bekmambetov, and has been rebirthed as a full-length feature. The characters have gained voices and the film now has a cast bursting with credible names.

9 is set in a dystopian, war-ravaged earth (evocative of post-WWII London), where 9 anthropomorphic hessian-sack dolls possess the last vestige of humanity and must pit the full might of their miniature will against great odds to survive. The film focuses on 9 (voiced by Elijah Wood), the youngest member of the group whose bravery and resourcefulness propels him to lead. 9 tumbles into life in this apocalyptic world and immediately befriends 2 (Martin Landau) and 5 (John C. Reilly). His leadership is vehemently opposed by the eldest, 1 (Christopher Plummer) – who prefers a passive resistance to social uprising. There is also the obsessive, slightly deranged artistic 6 (Crispin Glover, proving typecasting can successfully extend into animated frontiers); the Amazon-like 7 (Jennifer Connelly); the rotund and brutish 8 (Fred Tatasciore); and the mute twins 2 and 3. Together, the group work to overcome adversity – pitting their collective will against great odds. The Great Beast is vanquished and replaced by the Great Machine – a succession of grating Greats gradually making me grumpy.

Whilst 9 has been beautifully animated in CGI, it sadly lacks originality. In truth, the addition of a script to the film contributed largely to its downfall. At 80 minutes, 9’s characters only have time to establish themselves as flimsy stereotypes devoid of substance, and impossible to empathise with. I quite simply did not care – their trials were textbook, their lives were disposable and how can you love a 1 dimensional drawing? The plotline was also all too familiar. By now, viewers know all about the war-ravaged earth, the idea of man losing against machine, triumphing against great odds, the resilient protagonist … For the most part, watching 9 felt like I was watching someone play a well-animated Role Play game.

9 is a film with an identity crisis – too graphic and violent for children, with rotting dead bodies abounding in post-apocalyptic earth; and concurrently too superficial for adults. 9 exists in a cold no-man’s land – targeting hardened up kids, and backseat video gamers, wanting to exhume their sport into a larger frontier.

The Soundcaster - Unhinged

THE SOUNDCASTERS – Unhinged
(Independent)
Unhinged? Awkward cringe.

When I was younger, I shared my friend’s garage with his impressive bong collection, and every Saturday I would be woken by the neighbor’s band. This takes me back there. The Soundcasters’ Unhinged is a 10-song release covering such subject matter as: sorrow, lost love, nocturnal needs, apathy and hate. Unhinged’s opening track, My Golden One, features Clint Morrow’s morose and atonal voice repeating phrases such as I’m out of my mind and Where have you been/ Where is my mind/ I wanna live/ I wanna die like mantras. Each song averages about 4.3 minutes, which seems excessive – largely due to uninspired lyrics which display the emotional and lyrical maturity of an emotionally stunted 12 year old. Personally, if the vocals were somehow removed, I would find this album relatively inoffensive and listenable. The verses of Inner Demons provide melodic vocals, contrasting nicely with simplistic guitar ornamentation before diving into a more driving rock chorus. The Soundcasters certainly aren’t the worst rock band I’ve even heard… they are simply consistent sounding dude-rock akin to musical oatmeal.

Hunz - Thoughts That Move

Hunz – Thoughts That Move
(Independent)
A record put out in twenty-eight days, far exceeds 10 years of output from 28 Days.

Hunz’s Thoughts That Move was constructed in twenty-eight days for the RPM challenge (a call-out to bands to partake in a sort-of Ready Steady Cook equivalent of record making… Ready Steady Rock!). Thoughts That Move comprises ten songs showcasing sparkly synths, glitchy beats and Hunz’s melancholy multi-tracked voice. The opener, ‘It’s So Light’, slaps me onto the dancefloor – denying expectations of an intimate exposure to Hunz’s inner sanctum, in favour for beats and bass. The driving beats continue with Soon, Soon – a popsong guaranteed to make the cool kids dance (and self-consciously interpretive dance in the breakdowns). Hunz has produced an album which glitters like a subdued ecstasy high. While I found the synth ornamentation a little over the top, and savoured the restraint of Enough to Make You Smile; Hunz could not have chosen a better title for this album… Thoughts That Move feels like experiencing the heady rhythm and ecstasy of the dancefloor through a filter of someone else’s thoughts. It doesn’t quite meet the expectations of a full album but given the time frame, Hunz promises treasures in the future.

Marnie Stern – This Is It & I Am It & You Are It & So Is That & He Is It & She Is It & It Is It & That Is That

Marnie Stern – This Is It & I Am It & You Are It & So Is That & He Is It & She Is It & It Is It & That Is That

Marnie Stern fell into my heart like a turbo-powered, diamond-encrusted jet spilling beams of multicoloured lights on my heart’s interior valves. Stern’s hyperactively titled second album marks her inauguration as not only a Guitar Goddess but a psychedelic pop princess wielding her powers (finger tapping and relentless high-pitched, multitracked vocals) for the good of the people. Propelled by Hella’s Zach Hill, Stern’s second album thrashes and writhes; echoing the free and absolute being of a Dionysian Ritual. This Is It… truly showcases Stern’s talent and eccentricity – it is perfectly structured, unabating, strong and absolutely feminine. I want to live here.

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I created this blog in order to post a comment on someone else's about uses for a beetroot. This system is far asethetically superior to livejournal and I assume has infinite more cred- but where is the anonymous poster function? What is this "get an account" shit? If I get an account, how will anonymous hate-mail comments get through to me? How will I continue to exist without the passive-aggressive disdain and energy of the JELIS H8RS to fuel me to live on, performing my every day acts. I want to be judged. Judgement is like cool, sparkling evian washing away my baby fat cocoon of contentment. I can only survive by embodying the JELIS H8R.