Bandslam (Film Review)

In cinemas August 13^th 2009

Director: Todd Graff

Runtime: 111mins

In Bandslam, writer/director Todd Graff has created a world where ten high schoolers can instinctively create a hit song with ten minutes notice (one minute per member!); music nerds aren’t ostracised as know-it-all jerks; and a band can go from insipid to “interesting” with a montage.

Will Burton (Gaelan Connell) is the new kid at a New Jersey high school obsessed with an annual tri-state Battle-of-Bands competition – Bandslam. In his first week at school, Will meets Sa5m (Vanessa Hudgens), an edgy ex-stutterer and advocate of silent-numeric-inclusions-in-personal-nouns. Charlotte Banks (a clearly not 16 year-old, Aly Michalka) is the too-good-to-be-true guitar goddess who sees a certain je ne sais quoi in Will and sets about educating him in cool music – starting with the Velvet Underground & Nico. Will is soon revealed to be a closet music aficionado, whose encyclopaedic knowledge of bands and an understanding of the technical elements of composition, leads Charlotte let him manage her band. Under the expert and youthful hand of Will, the band develops its own sound and has a fighting chance in this year’s Bandslam; whilst simultaneously, an awkward romance develops between Will and Sa5m.

Intolerably running towards nearly two hours, Bandslam was so annoying that it felt like I was being smashed in the face by a seven-string guitar made of broken dreams. I have always understood that kid’s movies are meant to entertain above all else, and are allowed a certain licence to be contrived and predictable. However, I found this film more cringe inducing and suffocatingly predictable than the average effort. The namedropping in Bandslam is so excessive, it’s almost competitive: mention as many bands and pop culture references as you can in two hours and… win a puppy! For his flop, Graff has won a fricking litter of floppy eared scamps.

The acting is either wooden or over-the-top all round, with the sole exception of Hudgens who brings a charm to the uninspiring script but whose appearance in the film is far too brief. Michalka’s Charlotte has little-to-no charisma and her too cool attitude seems artificial and generally unbelievable. Connell is a boring lead man; and the fact that Will directs his attentions to a try-hard band, rather than the fine piece of ass next to him in Social Studies, does not warm me to the character at all. Rather – it had me on my feet yelling at Sa5m, “KICK HIM IN THE FACE! HE IS NOT WORTHY OF YOUR POO!”

All things said – unless you are very young; support one filmmaker’s quest for a fictional puppy; or have some sort of shameful Lisa Kudrow fixation (ol’ Phoebe makes an appearance as Will’s mother) – this film is not worthy of your poo.

1/5

Note: Not sure why I forgot to put up this review. It's amongst my favourites out of what I've written.

Furry Vengeance (Film Review)

In cinemas now [PG]
Director: Roger Kumble
Runtime: 92 mins.
Furry Vengeance, the newest offering from Cruel Intentions’ director Roger Kumble, is a confronting assault of things that will make your stomach churn and your brain bleed. Delivering eco-friendly and pro-family messages in an insincere and highly botoxed, computer-generated and all-American way. Furry Vengeance offers a steaming pile of filmic garbage – complete with gratuitous amounts of punishingly un-funny slapstick gags and numerous backwards depictions of ethnic minorities.
Brendan Fraser stars as Dan Sanders, a project developer who has shifted his family from the big city to Rocky Springs, Oregon. Dan is a mid-level executive whose demanding boss, Mr Lyman (Ken Jeong), has entrusted him with the redevelopment of the peaceful Rocky Spring forest into a new housing complex. Sensing the impending destruction of their natural habitat by the supposedly eco-friendly development company, the CGI animals of Rocky Springs retaliate. Dan soon finds himself plagued by a host of nature’s most deviant woodland creatures, intent on ushering his obese frame into total psychiatric collapse – slapstick ensues. The animals humiliate Sanders with a barrage of urine, skunk spray, port-a-loo shenanigans and incessant, nocturnal window tapping. Dan becomes so fixated upon destroying his pint-sized tormentors that he alienates himself from his long-suffering wife (Brooke Shields) and lanky teenage son (Matt Prokop). Inevitably, the film concludes with Dan recognising the error of his ways and joining forces with the animals to punish the evil Mr Lyman.
As a long-time fan of both wacky children’s films and brutal vengeance movies I was excited about the possibilities of this movie. Sadly, the ‘vengeance’ in the title is more Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, than Lady Vengeance. Not to be outdone by his CGI co-stars, Fraser debases himself in a series of repetitive, cringe-inducing scenes: his paunchy mass is seen squeezed into several different kinds of women’s clothing and bathed inexplicably in sweet chilli sauce. Fraser doesn’t lend himself well to this kind of comedy – his rubber face grimaces and groans gruesomely as he tumbles chaotically through numerous morosely unfunny scenarios. The character of Mr Lyman presents a controversial Asian stereotype, the like of which I haven’t seen since Dong from John Hughes’ Sixteen Candles – resorting to screaming high-pitched, Asian-sounding noises and kung-fu moves to display frustrations. The CGI animals were ghastly, though I am grateful they did not speak, their giggles and squeals of delight were possibly even more irritating than if they did. Even an appearance from the fabulous Wallace Shawn as the psychiatrist, delivering what is arguably the best line of the entire film, (‘Denial is not just a river in Egypt’) could not save this god-awful family flick. And just when the film could not get worse, the cast come together to do a reworking of Insane In The Membrane over the credits. If nothing else, Furry Vengeance is at least consistent – an assault of bad taste right to the final credits.
0/5
A note: I really, truly feel that this was a goddamn awful film (and I'm not entirely sure why I punish myself by taking all the inevitably awful family film reviews)... But I feel like I should mention that the embedding appropriated imagery in the animals thought bubbles, towards the end, was a nice touch. That being said, I also feel that if you have made the decision against anthropomorphic talking animals - you really need to commit. Having animals that constantly chuckle and giggle like a retarded toddler, is potentially more annoying than having one that is voiced by Pauly Shore.